Saturday, July 07, 2007

Fireworks & Wine

I always go into a strange emotionally frenzy around the fourth of July. It's silly, I know it isn't like Valentine's day or anything, where I'm technically allowed to be bitter and cynical, but I get all torn between being excited because it's a big social evening in the summer, which is pretty much what I live for, and feeling completely low that I'm alone and have "nobody" to be with when like everyone around me does. But somehow, no matter how the day goes, everything seems right during the fireworks, and the day ends with some sort of closure. I've been in the hospital, but home with my family in time to see the fireworks, or I've spent the day with family just kind of floating, then by the time the fireworks came I was....well, I wasn't sitting with my family...and I guess that's part of what makes things so hard. I'm tired of that change, but I need to just get the hell over it.

Anyway. So I was really excited for finally just having a day in the sun by the pool. We all were. But of course as soon as we get there, which of course was hours after we would've liked to...the sun was gone. And it was windy. The sun appeared for short intervals, but it was never long enough to "lay out." boo. Maisy and I made mango margaritas (hers was virgin, obviously) and even those were kind of icky in my opinion. I really just wanted to drink my coconut/pineapple rum.
We had dinner... lobster but Maisy and I got Chinese cause the grandparents knew we weren't keen on the crustaceans, which was pretty cool (note to self: Mandarin buffet = good deals and good food).
But at dinner, something was said that just struck a nerve with me. I tried to handle it, but I was just pushed over the edge and made ridiculously uncomfortable. I felt like I was just going to cry, so I excused myself, and I took my wine and makeup and went to get ready for the ever popular "liberty fest."
People finished eating and I could hear everyone figuring out who was going where, when, and I couldn't even hear to be involved in a decision so I just stayed in the bathroom. and i just put my head against the tile wall and cried. I don't even know why. I wasn't particularly sad. I was confused, and hurt, I guess. I tried to be enthusiastic and I get shut down because in regards to the fireworks "well if you've seen one, you've seen them all." and the liberty fest is just "huge crowds and chaos." But if I ACT unenthusiastic it doesn't fly either, so I just gave up. And it was the first year I had to get ready by myself, knowing I'd probably spend most of the evening that way too, in a random grassy spot miles away from any civilization.
I did my thing and composed myself so I could actually put eyeliner on (basically the BEST motivation to not cry- FYI)
We got to the bridge and honestly it wasn't too bad. Once I get there I DO remember that I like the fourth of July. I scanned the bridge for people I WANTED to see, and ended up bringing Mariah back to our secret island, and Matt called when he got in and came to visit for awhile. Neither of them stayed which was kind of lame, but it definitely passed some time.
Every time I see Matt it reminds me how much I miss him, and that we need to hang out more.

They ended up shooting the fireworks off about an hour early, because OBVIOUSLY it began raining. But here's the weird thing.... it was REALLY COOL.
My grandmothers had umbrellas, and I just sat there with my hood on and just looked up at the sky. The wind picked up and the rain just came down on my face, and the fireworks were going off, and it was so intense. It was just the power of the elements and I just let myself go with it without thinking about anything else.

When we got home, something else amazing happened. I checked my e-mail (duh) and I had an email from a woman in Colorado who's nephew had just been diagnosed with MID. Obviously she had done research online, and she came across me and Maisy. She wrote me an e-mail saying how I was such an inspiration, and we were the hope that told her and her family that the disease was not a death sentence and what had we done to make it where we were today? How do you respond to that? She had attached pictures of the baby, saying he's also a Gemini with a terrific smile and strong spirit. And I sort of just stared at the e-mail for awhile. I told my mom about it, and she instantly got on the phone with her, and then the mother of the baby.
But how is that for putting things in perspective? It's overwhelming. I spend my day crying because I have to spend time with my family and OMGZZ I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND....
and...people turn to me because I'm ALIVE and doing things like that! I'm SO incredibly lucky to be healthy and ABLE to worry about stupid shit like boys and my nails...because I mean...Maisy and I are IT. I don't want to sound like a huge downer, but that is sort of hard to comprehend sometimes. Like we're the inspirations...
I don't dwell on it. I'll always just be me. A shallow bitch who will tell you if I don't like your shoes, and is even more cranky without her coffee, but I mean, in the big picture. I'm kind of a big deal!

It was just that sort of wrapped up my day with warmth and made me look back on everything that happened with more fondness than bitterness and really be grateful for what I have, and everything I am and everything I'm doing.
...and things are just going to keep getting better....

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