I'm on an airplane.
I'm on my way to Alabama, to present at a transition conference. In October, I am going to Arkansas. It's kind of cool getting to check off some states I haven't been to yet. After going to New Orleans, I realize I think I really like the south, so let's cover the bases, shall we?
Today, I set my alarm for 7, but I woke up at 6:30, and realized it was probably silly to try to go back to bed, so I made some coffee (southern pecan, to set the tone for the day) and went on the interwebz.
It never ceases to amaze me as to what small things can feel like a punch to the gut sometimes.
I won't lie. I wasn't sad when I moved. I can count on one hand the times I actually got sad about coming to Boston. Owen and I had the opportunity to present side by side at a pretty powerful meeting last week, and we were talking about emotional times of transitions, being alone, and depressed, and I explained how I really went through that when I was in college, but with this move, I haven't even had time to be sad. I also feel myself settling back in this place of not being a crier (not that there is anything wrong with frequent crying).
Sure, I cried a few times when we first got here, but it was out of sheer exhaustion and just be overwhelmed with everything we had to do before I even began school. Since then it's been like....when I saw Les Mis (I can't. Even.) and when I had the aforementioned corkscrew driven into my hip bone.
I also have had a shift in my Meyers Briggs type, so there is proof I tend to me more of a thinker.... But I digress.
Of all things, I was watching a Jenna Marbles video, and Maisy had told me it was not her typical work, and I started thinking about my life, and this place I've been in lately.
My primary job, with Got Transition? Is ending in June, and for those of you who remember the last time a grant ended for me, it was sort of bleak, and a little scary. This time, I am a lot more prepared, with a much better understanding of what that will mean for me, but it also means I have just been doing a lot of thinking of what I WANT to do, and where I want to be in this work.
Owen have talked a lot recently about our life together and what we want, and how there is a WE now that will shape the direction of what we do and where we potentially end up. I am not just me anymore, working and jet setting so I don't have to think about how alone I feel.
In addition to all of that, we have recently lost some young people that I knew (and some I didn't) through the Next Step program.
Also, in addition to Maisy being in London and feeling epically far away, things have just left me feeling sort of emotionally overwhelmed, and wanting to be eating Sam's on the deck in Maine.
But I started thinking, in this whirlwind of work, school, life, often unfairly sad, life. What makes ME happy? What do I like about being in Boston? What do I miss about being home?
Are they the same things that made me happy 2 years ago?
One thing I have learned along the way is that if you are not a (at least somewhat) fulfilled person, knowing what keeps you getting out of bed every day, you can not help others (whether that is even your goal or not) And it is ok to take time away from helping people and pretending you have all the answers to answer some questions for yourself.
I won't lie, there are totally days when I miss being home, but it usually is when I'm waiting for the B line in the freezing cold, or on a beautiful day when I just go "I really miss driving down a road in the middle of nowhere singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs." And then something happens and I'm over it. So I made a list. Because I think lists are a nice way if sorting things out even for yourself.
Here is the list:
(I'm sorry if some Maineahs are offended by some, but these are just my honest thoughts, about MY life)
What I miss:
- My family
- Maisy (yes- she is family but she gets her own line)
- Driving (and a combination of this and the above)
- The pool
- Uncle Moe’s
- A few select friends that I saw enough to keep me sane
- Being a big fish in a small pond, what do you mean there’s no open table at this Starbucks, do you know who I am?
- My closet
- Being able to go out in sweats, knowing I will still look like I “got dressed.”
What I do not miss:
- Wal*Mart (why is this first? I know... )
- Peacocks squawking and freaking out the poor dog
- Shoveling out my car (not that I did....), or moving it for the plow
- Having to talk to EVERYONE and hear their life story even if you’re just going up one floor in an elevator
- Super behind the times health care (even though I’ve been going there for 20 years!!!)
- Not having my own space, being able to do laundry etc. (no offense mom and dad, but even you hate having the washer in the basement, this I know!)
- Lack of awesome food places in the general vicinity. Ditto for Foodler, Uber, PeaPod and all the things that have made my life far more convenient here.
- Sitting in my room going on facebook, feeling my IQ drop day...by day... by day. (Now I can sit in my overpriced 500 sq feet, and when this starts to happens, read something for school and feel a teensy more intelligent again!)
Then, as soon as I finished this list, I opened another window in Twitter, and this was the first thing I saw:
“It's so clear, I'm where I'm meant to be, and at last I see the light”. –Rapunzel
For the moment, I am reminded, as one of my dear mentors always says, "I am where I am supposed to be." This summer will hold a lot of changes, but soon we will all be together, and it will be warm out, Maisy will be home, and we'll all just keep checking in to see how it's going and what WE want to happen next.
I think one of the cool things about being a "grown up" is being able to make those decisions, and I've already decided I don't want to be someone who just goes on autopilot in some job where I have grown cynical and burnt out, so I put my faith in the hands of the universe and those who have chosen me to carry the torch and am ready for the journey. Onward.