She Needs Wide Open Spaces

Hello from yet another unintentional blogging hiatus.  I have wanted to write for some time now, but you know… life.

I actually had to laugh because I was reading old entries from last winter, and I shared my frustration with the people who kept telling us, if we didn’t like the weather in Boston, “just move.” 

Well, SURPRISE.  We did.

Greetings, from the Mile High City, Denver Colorado, for the next chapter of this journey.  I know right?

So here’s what happened.  After that cathartic, terrible, eye opening winter in Boston, we realized that our lives were just not what we wanted them to be in that city. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it just turned out to be a lot more than we bargained for, without a lot of pay off (aka, things that made us happy, to balance out the crappier parts)

Another thing that happened, which I will be transparent about, because I don’t think we do enough of that when talking about transition- is that we actually couldn’t really afford to stay in Boston.   Before I graduated, we got the letter that they were raising our rent (as well as taking away things we had, charging for others, etc. but that’s another blog) Owen and I had talked about what we were going to do after I graduated, and although we did not want to “settle,” in Boston, we figured we might be able to make due for another year until we had a reason to relocate.  When the letter came, saying that they wanted us to pay $1950 (with nothing included) for our tiny studio, we made the decision to not sign the lease.  We didn’t know what that meant, or where we would go, but it was the kick in the butt we needed to realize we actually didn’t WANT to stay in Boston.

To dart around a little bit, after we attended AMCHP in January, before Snowmageddon hit, I began to see that I had options.  MCH was my home, my family, and although there were times I actually didn’t feel wanted or needed in Boston, people elsewhere seemed pretty interested that I was graduating in May.  

Not to toot my own horn, but Owen compared it to the NFL draft (toot, toot).

Now, I had been to Denver before, actually it was four years ago today that I was here for some transition work, and met some of the people I’d ultimately be working with (small world), and we had sort of been joking about Team Denver for some time, but after the conference, I really started thinking about it.

• The weather is better
• Closer to Owen’s family, and lifestyle (Boston doesn’t know much in the way of hunting, etc.)
• Amazing support system
• Good health care
• Good economy (thanks weed)
• Potential job opportunities
• Decent transportation
• Nobody we talked to had a single negative  thing to say about Denver (some people actually said it’s the best city in the world.  When we told people we were moving to Boston they asked if we were crazy)

Soon, when people asked what I was doing after graduation, I found myself saying “I think we’re moving to Colorado!”  Before I even realized the words were coming out of my mouth.

The other thing I have to laugh about, is that, in my speeches about transition, I always say how, “We don’t have the luxury of just going somewhere and ‘figuring it out.” Like many young people who simply want to move somewhere, but once again, that’s exactly what we did.

After recovering from a vacation, and multiple graduations, we took the plunge and booked a trip to Denver.  We packed clothes for potential interviews, slept on my best friend’s couch and checked it out for the week.

People once again, laughed and said, “Oh cool, you’re going to out there for a week and find a job, and a place to live?”  and HA. HA.  WE DID.

Ok, not exactly- we didn’t get the first apartment we wanted (transition transparency) because it was a little out of our price range just starting out, but when we got home, we put down a deposit on a studio in the building we had just stayed in and ended up getting approved- ON OUR VERY OWN (without a co-signer) It was  A BREEZE, compared to finding housing in Boston (when I was terrified we actually were adopting a child…there was so much money, paperwork and screening involved)

Here's the before and "after," of our new apartment!

And after some meetings while we were there, I had a job description in my inbox for a position at the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment.  We had to take it as a sign that it was meant to be.

There are a lot of things I want to write about, but I wanted to just let people know WE JUST MOVED before going forward writing about our life here.

 

The weirdest thing about this move has really been how I have felt about it.  For some reason, leaving Boston, I keep having to tell myself, “you have not failed. You are not letting people down.”  For some reason it feels like a foreign concept to people when you say, “We moved because we weren’t happy.”  It seems that since we had an apartment and jobs, we should have been content. Why leave?

But one of my mentors who kept me moving forward in the job hunt/grad school/life in Boston thing, said as I was contemplating this transition, 

“You have not failed.  You actually have achieved ultimate success because you can CHOOSE to really go anywhere and you have built those networks. Nobody else did that for you.”  

And I began to see it differently.

It still feels weird sometimes though, because Boston was everything I THOUGHT I wanted.  It was a life that the “old me,” had created, full of things I thought I wanted to do and changes that the world was not ready to make.

The hardest part of leaving Boston wasn’t about leaving that studio apartment in Allston, or selling our Bob’s discount furniture, it has been about accepting who I am not, and who I really am as I continue to grow up and create my life with Owen.  I achieved my dream, only to realize it was not the dream I wanted anymore.

Now, as I sit here, in a new, much bigger studio, with my pumpkin spice coffee and the sun shining in the window, I realize, the dream is really just beginning, and for the first time, in a really long time.  I’m happy.

Mallory Cyr, MPH

Today, I graduated.  I graduated with my Master’s Degree in public health from Boston University.  Not “regular” graduated, but graduated from overpriced extra college, from one of the top Public Health schools in the country.

While I joke that it was not challenging, because academically, a lot of the content I already was familiar with because of my national MCH role, it actually was pretty tough at times.  Can you do a multi linear regression? Ok.

But for me it was about so much more than a few biostats equations.  I struggled a lot with WHY I was doing this, which many of you know.  Last weekend, a dear friend and colleague of mine, a “title V mom,” posted on Facebook about how much it meant to her to see other families share the milestones of their young people because it was an image of hope, and of what could be possible for her child, and for others.

And all of a sudden I remembered why I got myself into this situation in the first place.  It is not about me. (Really, I swear).

Today, at graduation, our speaker, Monica Bharel, the Public Health Commissioner, for the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, said, “Choose courage, Choose hope.  Choose selflessness.” And had us think about “What are you passionate about?”  (My answer was, “Nothing. I shouldn’t be here.”)  then helped us define that by asking “What makes you angry?”  ….and the list flowed in my brain.

I remembered.  I did this, to show the potential of young people no matter their limitations.  Let the façade fall aside, it SUCKED so hard sometimes.  I cried, I hated it. I questioned my choices on many, many occasions. I thought about quitting and just moving home.  I thought about “What would happen if I went home and just stopped replying to e-mails.”  But then… I would get a message from one of “my young people.”  One of the selected for Dumbledore’s Army, simply asking about how to succeed in a class in which the teacher was not accommodating, or wondering what to do after graduation because they had real hopes and dreams that others did not support.  And I remembered.

 

I am here, and I did this, WE did this, to show it’s POSSIBLE.  With love, strength, support, work, and determination.  It can be done. I also want to mention.  During the time I was in school, Owen and I had no formal assistance.  We had no PCA’s, no nursing help.  We worked multiple jobs, and truly did this independently (except for the endless love and support from our networks and friends and families)

I want the lessons that we learned to serve as a beacon, a tool, an “inspiration,” to show others what can be possible for them, or their children.  What makes me mad?  When those amazing people are told they can’t, or even just made to think they can’t. And you know what else I realized, sitting there today?   The only person who EVER told me I can’t…. was me.  Now… I don’t believe that either.  Cause I DID IT.

The final part of my graduation ceremony, our incredible associate dean, asked us to accept the charge of being world changing MPH’ers.  I closed my eyes, and thought about if I really, truly was ready to accept the challenge.  He asked us, “Do you promise to use your new passion, energy, and knowledge to create a healthier world?”   And we all looked at each other and muttered “I will.”  He looked at the faculty and said, “They don’t believe you. No… actually. We KNOW you will, but we need you to know you will.”

I stood quietly, and the tears came.  For the past three years I have asked myself this same question.  Why me?  Can I?  Should I?  Do I make a difference? Do I want to make a difference?

Moments before I marched into the arena, my best friend, and counterpart, just beginning the journey towards her MPH, wrote on my Facebook newsfeed, “You changed my life Mal.  #forgood.”  And I knew, I was ready to accept the charge.  We all shouted and cheered.  “I will!!!!!”

Was this my “dream?” No… not really.  But life is what happens when you are making other plans, and I believe in the universe, and that I was brought here for a reason.  I am working to make sure that my dreams align with what the universe has in store for me, and THAT is my passion.  That is my charge.  As I move forward with my incredibly hard earned MPH, I hope ALL young people have the strength and courage to think about what makes them want to get up in the morning, that they can laugh when things get tough, or know that they are loved, and valued and wanted no matter what they do.

Just because my path is not mentioned in a speech does not make it less important.  It is what has brought me here today.

So for all of you, who believed in me, and who believe in your own children no matter how terrified you may be for them to take the Next Step, this degree is for you.  It truly, truly is. 

Thank you.  I love you all.  Now let’s get this MPH Party started.

-Mallory H. Cyr, MPH

I leave you with this:

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
but I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm all right song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

You were bound to Fly Away

The song in Starbucks right now, “You were bound to fly away…”

I can’t write this stuff.

Except that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  So indulge me.

There is no more denying it.  Fall is HERE.  You know how I know?

PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE.

Also, I’m wearing my Ralph Lauren fleece, because it’s cold.  And school. 

Which brings me here right now. 

This semester I’m taking a class at the College of Communications at BU, which I’m so excited for.  I get to write again and be creative, and think about other things besides how sad and unhealthy the world is.

Unfortunately, this class begins at 9:00 a.m., which for anyone who lives in Boston, knows is just ridiculous to even try to be anywhere for which is why most people just sleep at their offices (or get there at like 5….) or roll in around 10:30 when all the BU students are already where they need to be, and the B line becomes normal again.

Anyway-  the Comm School is 1.8 miles from my house… it takes me exactly 30 minutes to get to work which is downtown, at the very last stop of the train, so why would it take LONGER to get 4 four stops?  BECAUSE THE B LINE.

But also- because Scooter.  So whereas an average BU Basic would be able to squeeze in any old spot on the  train so they have to force the doors close- I don’t have such a luxury.  Last week, I left my house around 8:00… thinking I might even have time to grab a coffee, and THREE TRAINS LATER, I am on my scooter, in the middle of hoards of people, not even in the parking spot, or able to reach the button to tell the driver when I need to get off.  Total anarchy. I honestly went all 2 years ago and almost started weeping.  But whatever. #Blineproblems.  We’ll get there.

I’m also moderately determined to not need to have the “accommodations talk” with my new professor.  I’m not afraid to talk to her, and I’m no longer afraid to ask for help, but I don’t want to play the “scooter card.” I’m sure it will come up, and honestly that’s what I want to do my story on for her class- about what it’s like for a non-walking individual to get around this god forsaken city, and how it is NOT the fault of MBTA, but the general public who think that standing in your way staring at you while you’re trying to get on the train is actually going to make the ramp come down. 

I just want to show that I got this… I’ve lived here for 2 years, and go to work on the B line every day.  If I have to leave the house at 7:30 every Wednesday then gross, but I just need to put on my big girl journalism panties and roll with it.

But for now… here I am.  Drinking a latte, writing on my sparkly MacBook, remembering who I am, and what I’m passionate about, in a CITY.  Full of opportunity and people who want me to succeed.

Seven years ago, the beginning of September, I sat in a coffee shop in the small town of Farmington, with a journal, and tried to convince myself it was the same thing.  It wasn’t, and I knew it… but it was a step in the journey.  And here I am.

There is so so much more to write about, as I venture into this fall, feeling like the best Me I have ever been, but I just had to capture this moment and share it.  For all of my young college almost graduates who are cranking on your last year, just remember- the dream is out there.  You just gotta find it… and it may not be what others think it is.  Keep on, keeping on.

Love you all. 

M.

What I Did on my Summer Vacation

I took a week off last week.

Like OFF OFF. the last time I recall having a legit VACATION, where I unplugged, and did not touch my work phone, or business e-mail, or call into just one conference call, or say I was “working remotely,”  Was probably when I went to Vegas for my birthday in 2011.  that was probably the last time I felt so refreshed, empowered and rejuvenated by a week off.  And this time, I didn’t go ANYWHERE.

I simply took the week and attacked everything that was stressing me out, and took care of me.  the first big step of this was not taking classes this summer, then once my fellowship finished it was just work.  I’m getting unfortunately accustomed to not having school work, so going back in September is going to be rough.  I have also made some choices however, that I think will benefit my schedule once school does start back up.  I have no classes, or obligations past 5:00 pm, once Fall comes.  Although it gets dark at 4 in the winter, there will be no chasing down transportation, or not getting home until 10 after my classes.  Owen and I can still maintain a reasonable typical work schedule, which I’m psyched about.

SO. What did I do on my summer “vacation?”  Nothing, and everything!

I read whole books, in record time.   For those who think I’m some politically minded, health care addict.  Stop reading this right now. And go away.  When it’s up to me, I’m a shallow, materialistic Vegas party girl.  You know what I read?  Here are my literary confessions:

My Life in Loubies:

A real housewife tale of a shallow chick who wants to marry into money to maintain her shoe addiction, but actually gets an interesting surprise- I was not expecting (and I usually predict these things, because I could probably just write one…)  

Jodie Sweetin’s (that’s right- Stephanie Tanner) memoir about her struggle with addiction and partying in the Hollywood Hills.  I was obsessed and finished it in 2 days.  Full House will never be the same, but yea.  It was good. No regrets.

And the hilarious, superficial, tongue in cheek, “I could’ve written this”  White Girl Problems.  Based on my favorite Twitter account, I buzzed through this one, flipping through my kindle problems on the T, in the back of black uber cars, and ok, even during the Red Sox game.  So sue me.

Along the self care route, I also got my hair and nails done, and get this-  I had lunch with FRIENDS.  TWICE!  And it was “let’s get an overpriced sandwich from the snack bar before class.”  It was afternoon margs, and actual sit down and talk about each other’s lives meals.  I truthfully do not think I have done that since I moved here.  It was AWESOME.

After one, we went SHOPPING!   We plotted which Michael Kors bag we’d get, whether or not it was on sale, swooned over Burberries we’ll probably never owned, and got foundation matched in Sephora and got matching mask variety packs.  It was a true, long overdue girls’ day that just put me on cloud 10.

The other girly outing was centered around interior decorating.  My neighbor, LEND classmate, and dear friend and I did some damage at TJ Maxx  then went to town on the Element Studio.  She made magic happen on our shamefully small closet, I put new 750 thread count sheets on our bed, and we hung things on the wall.  It looks like people live there now, and are not just hoarding a bunch of boxes.  Owen and I are SO happy.  I’m so proud of my little home!  It’s not longer an overpriced studio that was “all we could make work.”  It is our HOME!

Part of the reason (other than the fact that I was keeping myself up at night having OCD about all the stupid piles all over the apartment) was that Owen’s family came to visit, which was primarily my reason for taking the week off at all!  And man, did we see the city!  We went to a Sox game, a duck tour (so fun!!!! Can’t believe it took us so long), went to the aquarium, are planning to eat in the North End, and spent the fourth on a harbor dinner cruise!  It has been wonderful, and it is so nice to really know where we are now, and how to live here!  It was such a good feeling to really host people, and show them our city, and not just be like “well… I think this is nearby, it just may take us all day to get there.  We didn’t even go in a circle ONCE.

In addition to all of the above, I accomplished one other REAL success.  I managed to address, attend, or schedule, every. single. medical appointment or obligation that I had outstanding.  We’re talking, PCP, eye doctor, dentist, iron infusion, GI speciality, started medicine for completely life ruining stomach issues, and I even took the ultimate self care measure of getting a therapist, who I managed to see TWICE, just during my time off.  I believe in being super transparent about addressing mental health needs, because EVERYBODY has them.  It has been fantastic, and I have not felt this good in a long time!

So bam.  For all those times that there were not enough hours in the day, I finally just buckled down and stopped making excuses.  I can check all of those off the list, and basically, I should win some sort of prize.

Today I am back to work, but I am calm, comfortable, tan, and confident.  I am ready to lean into my new role, and this second half of summer.  I am taking care of me, and it is amazing how the rest can fall into place.  One thing I have learned over the last few years, is, as urgent as everything may feel, at the end of the day, if everything else were to go away, all you have is yourself, and if you’re not happy in that solitude, you need do some re-arranging.

Here’s to a happy, healthy, zentastic summer.

xoxo.