If You Don't Like It- GO HOME.

Before I get into this entry, let me give a disclaimer. I (clearly) do not have any affiliation with the military. I'm not even a fan of war. What I do know, is that for people who are involved in military services, it is so important to them, and I have endless respect for the people who go and fight for our rights and our country. It is with all of that love and respect, no matter your political views, that I write this entry.

Yesterday, I had the rare opportunity and privilege to go see the fabulous Lady Gaga speak at a rally. Politically, I must say my rally days have been pretty minimal, but not nonexistent. I went to the University of Maine at Farmington and was the "token straight girl" among

my friends, which I later just proudly adopted as straight ally. During the No on 1 days, the FIRST time around, I briefly attended a rally, made the front page of the paper, and joked that my activism days were over.

Little did I know.

Since then, things have been mostly healthcare related, and there was Obama fest which was very rally-esque, and was such a rush and a huge shot in the arm to why I do what I do, and that I am actually sort of adopting the title of "activist" even though I was so opposed to it early on.

So, Sunday night, I read on twitter by the Gaga herself, that she was going to be in Portland the following day to speak about the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Why Portland? that's random....

It is and it isn't. Our lovely Senators are two of the "moderate Republicans" who are often ones that not so much need to be swayed, but are the ones that could ultimately make a difference in a vote (which, frankly- I think is pretty cool) It is the same reason that Obama came, during the high times of the health reform voting. I think at this rate, they may this up, since it means Maine is finally getting some media love! I'm ok with it.

Since my mom is awesome (and a bit of an old hippie herself) she agreed that we could go to the rally.

And. It was. Amazing. Not just because of the appearance of Lady Gaga, who gave an incredible speech, but because of the entire vibe and atmosphere of so many people just striving for that unreachable, Prime Rib we call Equality. Journey played, we laughed, we sang together, we made friends, we talked about Glee. Just in meeting the people surrounding me in that crowd, and thinking of so many people I love that this could affect it just really hit me hard.

Before Gaga spoke, there were other people who had previously served in the military and were discharged because of their sexuality. It just seems so ridiculous to me. As Lady Gaga said, "Doesn't it seem like we're sending the wrong person home? We're sending home the one who does NOTHING wrong, and keeping the person who has hate in their heart instead of commitment and courage like there is supposed to be." And she has a completely valid point.

But as I thought about it. It's always that way. When a child is teased in school for whatever reason, the reaction of the guidance counselor is, "send them to a private school." WHY? Why does the innocent have to leave the environment!?!?!!? Why can't we have consequences for the people with the hate. Why can't we just build tolerance or even ACCEPTANCE?

It seems backwards to me, and I would support the new law Lady Gaga proposed called, "If you don't like it, Go Home." If you're the person who is distracted by what someone does in their private life, and THAT takes away from your ability to serve your country, then maybe that is the person who should step down.

As I'm watching the debate....(on whether to debate...) in another window, I am so proud of our Senator Susan Collins who got up and spoke on these exact points, and saying how much money is wasted on training and replacing these perfectly capable soldiers that are discharged, and that it is not about certain traits you have pertaining to your personal life but can you do the job. We are focusing on the wrong things, once again.

And as for Lady Gaga, well, yes, she has been a controversial artist to some people, but the fact that she took the time to come and speak about something so important, I think is awesome. Who is to say why someone is passionate about a cause. People listen to celebrities. Be as nonconformist as you want, but it's true, so why can't we let those people carry our causes if they so choose? We complain when people are famous and have endless amount of financial resources and do nothing with it.... and then.... we complain when they do? Come on people...

Gaga wasn't even there as Lady Gaga yesterday, she was there as a US citizen, and a person who believes in a cause? So why not? It wasn't just about her, it was about all of those people who fought, who care, and who just want the right and opportunity to take whatever life path they choose.

So yes, I'll say it again, yesterday, standing in that sunshine, singing journey and cheering til my voice was gone, I was proud to be a holder of Maine values. And I will continue to fight for the prime rib that is equality- ALL TYPES OF EQUALITY.

Because... I am tired, of getting by on chicken nuggets and Boca burgers.

Here is a video I took of the day, and also a video of her entire speech, so you can form your own opinions! Love it or hate it, it was pretty cool to be there!

FALL FLASHBACK.

As I said in my last post, Fall never fails to make me nostalgic. For 16 years of our lives we are victims of the "Back to school" hysteria, with whatever emotions that may bring for you- then.... bam. It's done.

I'm over the stress it used to cause me, but now it's just sort of this void of all the things that used to happen at this time of year. The little things that you take for granted, just the small things that get you through the day during the first few months of classes but when they're gone, it's so different.

And yet, as I read through older fall entries, it feels like it just yesterday.

So to bask in my moment of Fall Nostalgia, and then to send it on it's way and get stuff done in the present. I present a list (cause I love lists....)

Things I miss about college:

• * Being able to walk to Dunkin' Donuts (usually in my pj's) or the "Latte Landing" (I'm still not over the fact they never had lattes) to do work when I just couldn't be in my room anymore. Heck being able to walk anywhere. the bar, peoples' apartments. Having the whole town at our fingertips and not spending a cent on gas (not that I drove... but I digress)
  
  
• * MEAL POINTS! Scan a card = all you can eat! Caesar Wrap day anybody? Or our late night ventures for curly fries in the snack bar... all with just the swipe of an ID. Delish.
  
  
• * Breaks! Pounding the pavement, nose to the grindstone working so hard to get everything done so you can leave for a few days and see everyone you miss from "home" and then not wanting to go back.... and remembering why I actually are ok with going back when you get there.
  And of course finals week was one of those things that I think actually prepares you for the real world. Grant reviews, presentations, conferences.... there's always that crunch time where you just get a double latte and play "finals week" and I get a satisfying little reminder I still have it in me!
  
  
• * Witty "Beaver Pride" Tshirts. Enough said.
  
  
• * My writers :)
  

And I think one of the best- every single person I cared about and how we would sit around talking about how much we hated every part of it, and how- here we are almost four years later talking about what we miss, while completely recognizing, we're not the same people we were back then. And you just can't go back. But it's fun to remember.

Here's to the class of 2007, and those I've reconnected with in my new "grown up life!"

GO BEAVERS.

"This is a song about weddings....and LL Bean..."

-Joshua Radin

Anyone who knows me well, knows that the end of summer is not something I like to talk about. Or think about, or acknowledge, let alone celebrate. I just quietly switch from shorts to jeans, wear hoodies a little more often, and try to keep my tan as long as possible- all the while acting like nothing really was changing.

For a long time, the end of summer was unspoken because it meant I had to go back to school, which was hard. I had to leave the people that supported me and made me truly feel happy, and go back to a town where I forced myself to fit in, had few people I could really trust, and spent cold nights alone. Granted, the semesters got better and better, but only recently have I reached the pointwhere the smell of a fall evening doesn't give me a tough knot in my stomach.
but here I am. holding my head high as we wave out Summer 2010. I am learning to embrace Memorial Day, and Labor Day, as more than just fake holidays where people don't work, but as the seasonal bookends to that time of year when my heart is happiest.
Memorial Day 2010 was a pretty fantastic kick off, as we had our entire family together, and I got to ring in being 25, and this Labor Day weekend, has been a quieter sort of fantastic as well.

Friday night was spent at a birthday party for one of my "faux little sisters" who used to live next door to us. We're not really related, but I remember the days both she and her sister were born, so may as well be right? There were 12 or so little girls from ages 6-8 and they made pizzas, and played games outside, and watched the birthday girl open presents. I sort of just drifted about in a cloud of nostalgia, realizing I don't even know what the "cool toys" are any more. (Does anybody understand the zhu zhu pet hype??? ....anybody? I thought we were still on Webkinz!) At the end of the night the "grown ups" had a glass of wine, and I just completely caved as Gracie ran over to show me her newest color of nail polish, and the body glitter one of her friends had given her. I asked to see it, and rolled the scented body glitter all over my shoulders, just as I would've done for a dance in 7th grade. Then to end the night we all picked a pack of silly bands and went on our way. All in all a successful Friday night. And a conclusion that body glitter should probably make a comeback (although- it really only grows up into "dry oil shimmer spray" but please, all girls love to sparkle)
Saturday was the star of the weekend though
We were a little worried for awhile with the impending "hurricane Earl," and like any good over reacting Mainers, my family was stocked up on water, canned goods, and was ready to batten down the hatches. I predicted, that much like every other big weather event we get our hopes up for, it would be anticlimactic, and if anything happened, it would rain enough to ruin our plans, and that would be that.

And although I had secretly prepared myself for a quiet rainy day of putting away a months' worth of laundry and staying in bed to watch my weekend dose of Reality TV, I was quickly excited to see that Saturday morning proved to be absolutely perfect! Sunny, with just the lightest breeze (ok maybe it was a little windy) and the sister and I were off to the madness of the outlets on Labor Day weekend, and to see a free concert of: JOSHUA RADIN!!!!!!!!

Joshua Radin is sort of an unknown name to most. He sneaks in places like the movie Post Grad's soundtrack, or the soundtrack on Grey's Anatomy. Just little places, enough to stomp on your heart, and make you cry tears of joy and hopelessness all at the same time. But for me, I knew more of him.
I first discovered JR the summer after I graduated college, before my life had really taken off, and there were some remnants of the past just hanging on by a summer thread.

It was this song.

I began to find more and more of his stuff, and he took up most of my "sleepy time" playlist. Literally, every night, his voice would calm my ridiculous, overanalytical mind, and I'd drift off. He was with me when I spent the early nights alone in the giant house in Auburn, when I was searching for purpose in Gray, and he always makes an appearance on my ipod when I need to crash on a plane before getting to Who Knows Where.
One of his more upbeat songs, that I'll end with, has also been made into an alarm that frequently wakes me up when I need to wake up on the right side of the bed...

So Maisy and I met up with some friends for lunch at Sam's, snagged some amazing deals at the Abercrombie outlet (don't hate) had a round of pregaming at Starbucks with the necessary girl talk, and finally parked our camp chairs on the LL Bean lawn to wait for the show to begin.

It was a very chill vibe, and with the exception of a few obnoxious teeny bopper girls shrieking, the group was well behaved and downright quiet and peaceful. I sort of couldn't believe we had such an opportunity for free! We sat there under the stars, and listened to him sing, and tell stories about every song (most of which were about ex-girlfriends.... and yet... who would leave THAT!?!?!?!... although- he's a musician, and probably either overemotional, or apathetic...or a Sagittarius.... but I digress) and it was just so perfect. I was reminded of the power of live music, and how there is something about the thump of bass that you can just feel deep in your heart and it makes you feel alive. ....and why I tend to have a thing for musicians....

He sang a few favorites, including Closer, but nothing too emo, and he was actually so freaking funny, he didn't really give us a chance to get into a slump, which was good too. He did some new stuff too, which had never been performed live before, and his new album comes out on October 12 so that went on the Ical.

It was over way too soon, and Mais and I hit Starbucks one more time and wandered the town to unwind before heading back home, and admitting to ourselves that summer really was over. But with that performance, and seeing the man live who has seen me through so much without even knowing it (ew that sounds cheesy right?) It just felt good. It was a good night.

The rest of the weekend was spent doing more shopping, relaxing, and clocking in a few more hours at the pool before it's covered with snow again. It was pretty perfect.

So there you have it. Mal v. 2010, is ready to bid this amazing summer farewell, and ring in the fall.

I'll let Mr. Radin kick it off for us, cause well... I couldn't say it better myself.

Happy Labor Day.

xoxox

Apparently my blog celebrated it's 5th birthday back in June of this year! Usually I have found nothing good comes from reading stuff from the past, but since this blog is for public viewing I actually found myself laughing, more than resorting to the feelings of PTSD. So yay, happy birthday Bloggy, may you continue to join me in my growth and professional evolution, and silly ramblings on the interwebz!

Beyond that, there isn't too much to update. I'm feeling really good overall. Last week, I got to spend some time in Boston, which was nice. I didn't realize how much I missed cities, but my heart just swelled when it remembered what it felt like to be there. I was there for two days of block grant reviews, which is a lot of work, and meant that before we went, I had to read 2 125+ documents about how federal money is going to be spent on activities and programs for the Maternal Child Health populations (some background info- maybe some day people will understand what I actually do:http://mchb.hrsa.gov/about/default.htm). So I was there as a staff member to answer questions about Maine's grant and talk about all the work I'm doing with our YAC and all that good stuff. then the next day I was a secondary reviewer for Connecticut's, which was a great experience, and the education was definitely worth all the reading. It actually made my brain realize it is still functioning and maybe could handle school again in the near future.

That was the work part of it, but obviously- since Boston is one of those places where I sort of have more friends than in the state in which I actually reside, I made sure to make the most of my evenings as well. When we first got there, my mother realized she had forgotten her clothes for the Maine grant day..... and said, "Well I guess I'll just have to buy something!" I GUESS SO.
One rainy adventure later, we had attacked Marshall's and she had an outfit and I had an amazingly discounted Juicy Couture hoodie. All was well with the world. Except for that we were soaked to the bone because the entire time we were there it was a norEaster. Finally,after we gave up on hailing a cab, which apparently is not as simple as it is in NYC? We took the T back to our hotel and hung our clothes to dry while I tried to transform from drowned sewer rat to dinner at the Millennium Hotel fabulous.
I prevailed, and met up with one of my Creative Writing BFA sisters who I have not seen since 2007 when we graduated. We instantly fell back in love, and enjoyed a night of truffle mac and cheese, cucumber tinis, and flirting with a waiter who was a fan of Jersey Shore, and had a useless degree just like us! It was so re-energizing and reminded me how good it is to have girlfriends. It was straight out of Sex & the City wonderful.

After the actual grant review day, which went really well after I finally dried out, I spent the afternoon just lounging in the hotel, being in rainy day mode, and overanalyzing everything in my life. Too bad that doesn't pay, right?Then we went down to the lobby bar for a quick dinner, and I waited for my love Shannon to get there. Which, eventually, she did, and we had a hugely conspicuous reunion since we haven't seen each other since the Miami adventure of 2009. Once again we laughed way too hard, talked about how old we had become, and officially began the countdown to VEGAS.



That's right....
I got invited by Family Ties of Nevada (who I presented for virtually, last winter, because weather in DC ruined my flight to Reno) to present at their transition conference in LAS VEGAS BABY.
Safe to say I'm a little excited.

Of course, there's quite a bit of stuff to look forward to before then, including a potential trip back to my city of NYC, because a) ELF is coming to Broadway (yes, THAT Elf....), b) my entire family has reached consensus that it's been too long, and c) I feel like I have been cheating on it with DC, but luckily my cities are not fans of monogamy, so I'm pretty sure NY won't hold it against me.

So there you have it. Life is good, I'm refusing to think about that thing called fall right now, and enjoying the last few days of my favorite season.

Tonight I get to see even more writers that I graduated with and have not seen in way too long! It should be an interesting night! There will be pictures. Watch out Portland, UMF writers comin' at ya!

xoxo

"Ruin is the Road to Transformation"

I always put off writing these…

I don’t know if it’s because it just seems more and more overwhelming with the amount of time that goes by, or that sometimes things just don’t seem deep or inspiring enough to commit to clicking the “publish” button. Either way, I hereby pledge to stop making excuses and just write when I feel the urge (I still write… just not here!) If it bores you… don’t read it! Simple enough.

Judging by the old saying, “teach what you know,” I guess it really isn’t much of a surprise that I work in the field of transition.

I have totally accepted and embraced the fact that we’re all in an ongoing state of transition. Like learning, I like to say, “When you’ve stopped transitioning…you’re dead”

To jump right into it- I moved again. For various reasons that come with living on grant employment, the last few months were really tough. Really tough. A sort of tough that I have not felt since college. It was sickeningly familiar, which made it even worse. I knew, and kept

telling myself it would get better, but there were definitely days when it felt like it wouldn’t. I started to get in a slump where I felt lonely, trapped, and just in one of those, “Why am I even doing this?” modes, when the frustrating experiences, including trying to advocate for my own health needs on top of advocating on behalf of everyone else, just seemed to outweigh the empowering, energizing moments.

Then someone said something to me that was one of the biggest a-ha moments I have had in a long time. It was one I had come to before, but for some reason I needed it in another context for it to finally take. “It’s better to be [one of those people you complain about] a small town Maine girl, who got married at 18, has never left the state and content at the local bar then to know there’s so much more out there and believe you are destined for it, but not do anything to get it, and just sit watching life go by.”

After being initially knocked off guard that my pity party had been so drastically interrup

ted, I realized it was true. Sure, I’ve had a lot of opportunities come my way, but to keep moving forward I can’t just sit refreshing my inbox, waiting for things to fall in my lap.

Finally, when things had gotten about as bad as they were going to, I realized it was time to take charge and start building back up again. I knew I needed to move back home, and I’m lucky I was able to. I swallowed my pride, and left a town I had never grown attached to as hard as I tried, and after yet another U-Haul rental, some pizza and beer for the people who helped, and a lot of organizing and packing/unpacking, I get to spend the last month of summer 2010 with my family, and sleep with my kitty again.

Beyond all of this however, my work life didn’t stop. One thing about this work is that even when the funding stops, the work doesn’t. And somehow- we have to just keep going. As I waited for the giant 8 ball that was my professional life to tell me what I would be doing in the coming months, I attended a two-day meeting in DC.

The meeting itself was an interesting experience, but beyond that,

the trip was yet another turning point for me (yea… I know- let’s rename this blog “Mal’s turning points in DC” shall we?) Not only was it the first time I flew home by myself (fantastic might I add) but also I somehow ended up in a pseudo suite, with a king sized bed, and a balcony overlooking the Potomac River.

So there I am, standing on my balcony, with the summer breeze tickling my face, thinking how my life could not be anymore ironic if it tried. I had just used a credit card to buy a magazine for my flight home to small town Maine, and here I am, not knowing where my life is even going to be in the next month, and I’m on a hotel balcony in DC. My only conclusion was that,if that was rock bottom, then damn. I’m a lucky girl. Stuck between rock bottom, and “I have

arrived…”

And I know that I am lucky, but it does keep coming back to me in different forms. Another thing I have realized is that while I may not have the same group of best friends who I can immediately meet up with at Applebee’s in a pinch I have some amazing people in my support network, and a wealth of knowledge and experience that you can’t even really pay for. Not many people have stayed up talking about Broadway shows with someone who was on tour with Miss Britney Spears herself. My Iphone is a treasure trove of not only connections, but also amazing people who serve as friends, safety nets and an undying support system. It’s pretty crazy to even think about. Want some connections on Broadway- check. Need help looking into programs at Harvard or Yale? Check. A place to stay in L/A. Check. Of course it’s weird to

think that if I were home on a Friday night in Boston or DC I wouldn’t have to be alone as often as I am, like in the place that I actually live, but for now it works, and I have people to see wherever I end up in this crazy country of ours!

As the living situation falls into place for now, until I decide where I want to be for more than eight months, my professional life is slowly settling into an exciting rhythm of energy as well! I am now a proud employee of the NEW Got Transition National Center [for Healthcare Transition]. We have an incredible team, who truly share in the vision of involving young people, and changing the system for the better.

I’m really excited for a new beginning, and with that I have also made a vow to myself, to not take anything for granted. 25 is too young to be jaded and to start being “over” traveling all the amazing places I get to go. Recently I was in Albuquerque, and was so taken aback by the view as we flew over the mountains I remembered how I used to feel every time we took off, whether it was just the one-hour flight to DCA, or all the way to LAX, and that is how I want to look at everything I do. Yea, it’s hard. But it’s also fun and exciting and I’m damn lucky to be doing it! If we, as the “young leaders” are already getting tired of this game, then we really are in trouble.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve fallen; I’ve gotten up, brushed myself off and showed a good number of people, that I’m not going anywhere any time soon. I was told once that my professional mantra aligns with the energy I bring to the sometimes monotone vibe of what we do, and does indeed make me the “cheerleader” whether there are several thousand others or not. So to this next chapter of my life, both home and professional, all I have to say is, “BRING IT!”

You Barack My World!

So, one would think I would be in bed by now. and I should be. of course. But I'm not quite ready for today to be over.

First of all, it was absolutely amazing weather here, which is perfect because it literally had rained all week, until today, and even was overcast until we got there basically. It was the perfect weather to be standing/sitting in line for about 4 hours with like-minded people, sharing snacks and getting a tan you didn't have to pay for!

By late afternoon it was sort of like a parade or street fair for the political. Reps were there, chatting, people were handing out balloons and pamphlets, and people were getting so fired up. We were told if somebody from "the opposing team" showed up, or we felt there was negativity just keep the peace and start chanting Yes We Can (which we spent a good portion of the time doing anyway)

Around 12:30, as we were told, they did show up. A good number of "tea partyists? Tea baggers?" I don't know. neither term sounds pleasant. But it was very intense as it built up to going in, with them on one side, us on the other, and secret service men between us. But finally we crossed through the barricade, and it was a surge of energy I can’t quite explain, moving forward even with so many shouting against us. We held strong with our golden ticket, to get to what we all came there to see :)

It was actually pretty smooth how quickly they got everyone in and seated (although only about half the people were able to sit... we were like "um hi, Mal can't stand in that crowd, she'll get injured. And need health insurance. Counterproductive." So we actually landed pretty decent seats on the bleachers, which were the "accessible" seats.... really? Bleachers, accessible? I didn’t think that made the most sense, as I saw many disabled and elderly people struggle with climbing the narrow stairs and finding seats on the bleachers. The seats worked for us and we were lucky, because couple hundred with tickets didn't even get in!

The program began (I keep calling it a show… you can’t teach a Broadway dog new tricks) with the Pledge of Allegiance (which I couldn't say due to the lump in my throat the size of my fist... my sister said she never said it during her time at her last school.... but today I heard her say it like her life depended on it), subpar performance of the National Anthem, then…HE WAS THERE. In the same room, in his white shirt and tie, jacket off, sleeves rolled up.

I have heard a lot of speeches of his, but this was specifically for the Maine people. And oh my god, was he funny. He talked about the values of Maine, and how they're real and how it's people like us who take those values of hard work and determination and bring them to Washington... and I got a little pheklempt and was like "well hey. He's talkin' about me."

He took pieces of the healthcare bill and attributed each to a story he had heard from people in Maine, one of which was from one of our very own family leaders, so that was pretty exciting, and it just solidified how real this change was, that he was mentioning people we not only know, but work with, and have been sharing in the journey with.

He explained a lot, answering some questions about the bill itself, made us laugh, made us cry, and it was all over way too soon. But at the end, instead of the hokey patriotic music they play when you're watching it online and he finishes, they blasted Brookes & Dunn- Only in America (country music... which I have a love hate relationship with because it represents everything that is Maine) but it was PERFECT. I have never loved a country song so much. Then was Beautiful Day by U2, which was not only perfectly appropriate, but has been with me in so many other chapters of my life, it just made sense that it was there in that moment. Then came Bruce Springsteen, and it was like we had just gotten free tickets to the best. concert. EVER.

As we were leaving, my sister said, "I needed that so much, you don't even know. I'm inspired." I think I’m going to have an advocate in training by my side. :)

As the music finished, my mom turned to me with tears in her eyes and said. "This is what it's all about! This is the change we've been trying for in all of this." I grabbed her hands and said, "YES!! THIS IS IT!!! DO YOU GET IT NOW? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAS GOTTEN ME THROUGH THESE PAST FEW WEEKS? WE'RE LIVING THE CHANGE." In that moment, they GOT IT.

And for me I think, this was my turning point in the fact that I know I am meant to keep truckin' in this world, and I'm pumped to do it. And something that NOBODY else could do.... that silly president of ours made me PROUD to be from Maine! (I’m only just beginning to admit it... and I'll still leave) But we have a lot of good here (besides the corny lobster t-shirts). We do have our own unique work ethic, and people take care of each other. With all those other people, from Maine, amazed at what we have achieved I was proud, and excited. It was the weirdest thing. I will be one of those people who will bring those values to Washington, but for now, I can nurture them here, and I will keep coming back. I think a part of me will always be a small town girl- and suddenly, I’m ok with that.

As Barack once said, "It is easy to get caught up in the cynicism of what is possible in this country,” but today, sitting there, waving signs with people who share the vision of hope, and seeing Americans of all ages (including the youngest ones who don't even yet know what the word insurance means, but know that they are spending a day with people they love seeing something really big), all generations come together to celebrate victories we HAVE made... today, it was a little hard to be bitter and discouraged.

Not that we don't all get in that place, because it's normal, and I'm sure Obama has days where he goes "Why did I choose to do all this? I'm just one man!!! I want to go home and watch the game!!!"

But he gets up again and does it all the next day and remembers why he does it, and still maintains the energy to fire up every state in this country.

That is amazing!

He gives me hope that, among other things, you and I can go on in ruling Mal world, and maybe even make a difference along the way doing it.

The Speech

Only in America

Yes We Can

The President, my dear, inspiration, Barack(y) Obama, is speaking in my home state tomorrow. Well, I read this on Twitter I believe, and immediately googled, and called my representatives' office (duh, they're my peeps now) and got the dish. It's tomorrow. BUT WHERE? AND HOW CAN I BE THERE!?!?! more googling...and I found my answer!

DUH. GO STAND IN THE RAIN IN PORTLAND FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE...AND YOU CAN ATTEND.

SO GUESS WHAT I DID?

I guess some people camped out the night before... but I am not that insane, and getting there two hours before they opened the door was a fair compromise between my dad and I, who is a super champ and braved it with me so I would not have to go alone.
They made the official announcement with all the details on the news last night, and I forced myself to go to bed "early," which then led to finishing Michelle (the other woman) Obama's biography, being even more FIRED UP & READY TO GO and not falling asleep... being like a kid on Christmas Eve, waking up at 3 then finally flying out of bed with the first note of my Taylor Swift alarm. 7 a.m. gross, cold, rainy, and FIRED UP. I cooked myself a delicious breakfast and rocked out to my Yes We Can playlist, and here is what ensued....

Now I know some people "don't get it." And "Aren't into politics." Because, a little over a year ago, that was me. And I would've laughed at people for standing in the rain to see psh... the president. Who cares?
But... I've become a part of it. When I sat on that sunny afternoon, all by myself, with nothing but the capitol building in view, I felt something shift inside me. It mattered now.

When he signed that bill on March 21, 2010, he told stories of everyone who had come to him with their struggles in the "System" and all the stories off all the "youth" and families I work with came flooding back to me and I lost it. I put down my bagel and just let myself cry. It was more than hearing sad stories, but it was feeling that my own was coming to an end.
As he signed that bill with the 22 pens, it was the first time I felt, and SAW visible change, for all the work we have been doing. All those times when we fly home, or have a long meeting and ask each other, "Why do we do this?" Well. THIS is why. Change is starting.
Not just is he an amazing public speaker, who doesn't use note cards and scribbles notes in the margins, and never fails to give me goosebumps, but he is the first person to really reach out to the REAL PEOPLE in this world, as a REAL PERSON and make real change. He rolls up his sleeves when he gives speeches, he shouts back to the people who yell in the audience. He smiles, he laughs, he drinks Bud Light (not while giving speeches... obviously). He is for the people.

And as I stood in that rainy line, I was one of those people. It was the perfect image of the quote he says in my favorite speech, "we are not a collection of red states and blue states. We are the United States of America." All these people had different jobs, were different ages, and came from different places, but we all made the decision to stand in that line in the rain, and climb that hill to see OUR president.

At one point, we were worried we would not get tickets, or that we were too far back in line, and one of the older ladies I was standing with said, "I'm getting discouraged."
And I switched into cheerleader mode and said, "Um no. We will NOT be discouraged. I did not come here to be discouraged!" Hope is not blind optimism! (not that it was relevant at that moment but it was the first quote that popped into mind) and shortly after I heard someone else yell out from farther back in line, "YES WE CAN!!!!"
And we trudged on, with me being the optimist I have grown to remember I am, and one of the feisty ladies looked at me and said, "you're neat!" I smiled and just said, "thanks!"

Finally, we made it to the doors, and after two hours, and being soggy and chilled to the bone. I had the tickets in my hand. I get to see my biggest inspiration speak about why we do what we do, and what it's all about.

and I AM FIRED UP, READY TO GO!!!!

Also- for anyone interested, here is the download of my Yes We Can playlist I keep referencing. If it doesn't fire you up... you may be dead. Check your pulse: http://www.sendspace.com/file/yjcqms

Life is a Highway

January 28, 2010 is a day that will live in infamy.

I got my driver’s license. As all of my close friends know, and maybe even some of my online followers/friends at this point, know, this is a HUGE deal.

I am completely excited to have such independence. No more going six days at a time without leaving the house, or waiting until we only have ramen and coffee mate to go grocery shopping, or not having any time by myself to just get away. I can see my friends without making them come all the way out and bring me home. Even though I owe people about three years of being the DD, it is so completely worth it.

It’s been an ongoing process for about 8 years. My sister, who is 16 now, will probably be getting her license shortly too…and I started when I was her age.

Let me back up a little…

I signed up for Driver’s Ed when I was fifteen (the age of driver’s ed.) I wanted to take it with all my peers even though at this time I didn’t have a car. I knew that this would make it challenging for me to get “my hours” in on the road, but after talking to the school they told me to enroll and we would “get the ball rolling.” There was no ball. It did not roll. It came to a screeching halt. Halfway through the class portion, the teacher took me out to sit in her car to “assess” what I might need for adaptations. As one would predict, my legs came to about the end of the driver’s seat and I couldn’t see over the steering wheel.

“Hmm, yea that’s going to be tricky.” She said. And class continued.

After doing some research completely on our own, we located an adaptive driving instructor out of Scarborough (which was a bit out of the way from our house, but we didn’t know what else to do). We were able to hire him, with the help of Voc Rehab and I was able to get my driving hours with him enough to complete driver’s Ed and get my permit!

Hooray!!! One step closer! I was so excited! I bought a purple stuffed Grateful Dead bear to celebrate. I have no idea why I remember that. But he was so cuddly!

After that the goal was to get something I could drive so that I could feel comfortable and take my road test.

At one point there was a scary van that we knew I wouldn’t be able to drive, but we needed something to transport my scooter, so this was already the second scooter van in the picture.

In order to get any adaptations you have to get an “evaluation” to determine what you need, and can use safely, which, duh, makes sense. However, my evaluation seemed to not even really evaluate anything. Once again I sat in a car in which I could not see over the steering wheel, and the hand controls I was supposed to be using were too hard for me to use, so I never even accelerated. I coasted along in a graveyard for about ten minutes. But apparently they saw all they needed to see.

We went inside, and the evaluator explained something about I had issues with the strength in my arms, and it made the most sense that I have hand controls. Really? Read that out loud and tell me how that makes the most sense? I spoke up and inquired about something called pedal extensions, which I had heard of, and figured they must exist! A lot of short people drive!

I was quickly told “they don’t make them that big,” the idea was brushed aside, and hand controls it was.

In addition to hand controls, I ended up with a smaller steering wheel, a remote ramp (which was essential for transporting my scooter which I needed to attend school), and voice command controls off of the steering wheel. Now that concept sounds really cool, like you would say, “Turn on the radio” and it would, but it wasn’t like that at all. Instead, there were two buttons and each button had a list of commands such as “horn, left blinker, right blinker,” etc. and the driver would then have to memorize which button had which commands and when it would be aid (which I don’t think I ever even did)

Maybe for some people this system works, but in most cases, and in mine, it just did not come natural, and certain things like turn signals and horn, when you need them you need them, you can’t be searching for them. Beyond the adaptations, the car itself was possessed by some sort of auto demon. When it would rain the locks would go on and off until the battery died, whether the car was on or not (this also caused the keys to get locked inside it on more than one occasion) and the power steering would just shriek for no good reason and we could never figure out how to turn it off. My parents and the couple of friends who drove this were terrified of it, and because of all the “quirks” it was in the shop more than it was in my driveway. I got pretty comfortable driving, but even when I did, my arms got so tired from the position I needed to drive in I could only get about half way to school.

There was just no way I was going to learn to drive on this thing. I didn’t even want to go near it…Beyond the sheer vanity of not wanting to drive a mini-van, it just wasn’t safe.

In the mean time, my focus was on school, a few years went by and I kept having to renew my permit. I probably have the written test memorized. In case you were wondering- Red means stop.

Fast forward to fall of 2008,

While attending the annual dinner for the Disability Rights Center I met an amazing woman named Sarah who happened to just be an eensy bit shorter than me! And guess what? She had her license! And guess what? She didn’t drive a van, and she had pedal extensions!!!

After the dinner she let me go out and look at her car, and for the first time since this whole debacle began, my feet were on pedals and my hands were on the wheel. It was amazing. She gave me the names of the places she went for her evaluation (which of course was out of state) and the place that did her adaptations.

It was going to happen. It NEEDED to happen.

After concluding I was never going to drive the van, and it really was doing more harm than good, we decided to just start over and let me have a car that I wanted, and that I felt comfortable driving. I was going to have say in this.

First we went for a new evaluation, during which I drove a Honda Element with pedals, and actually turned, and accelerate, and stop at stop signs and get a real driving experience. When it was over it the guy told me confidently that he didn’t see any reason I couldn’t drive with pedal extensions.

We sold the van, to someone who could actually use the adaptations and it was no longer my concern. I was on to look at a car I actually wanted. THE FUN PART. I had looked at cars a little bit online, and one random day when my dad and I were out shopping we went to look. My first choice was the Honda Fit, which were pretty new at this time, but I wanted to check it out. We checked one out and took it for a spin and instantly, I was in love.

It felt RIGHT. Nothing before in my life had ever felt so right. I always read about when people apply to college and how “when you know, you know” and I never had that feeling, about school, or a car or anything. But this. I could see myself in this car.

We continued to shop around, and tried Chevies, and Pontiacs, and even my childhood dream car the VW Beetle, but it just didn’t click. At the same time my parents were looking for a new car and randomly when my parents went to a Honda dealers to look at used SUV’s, I saw a blackberry pearl Honda fit in the lot. I inquired about it, just out of curiosity and the guy told me it was a standard, and it was taken, but they would be getting another shipment within the next week, with an automatic. I knew that was my car.

Sure enough, on June 13^th 2008, my 2008 Honda Fit in Blackberry Pearl came off the assembly line and into my driveway. I was pumped! I wanted to drive this. I wanted to call her mine. Even my sister (who had no desire to drive either until she sat in this car) sat, “Wow Mal she really is you in car form!”

The biggest hold up after this was when the car was getting adapted at the wonderful place called Autotronics. They did an amazing job, and I didn’t care that they had her for so long because I knew it wouldn’t have to go back. They even thought of little things like what I wanted my seat to be covered with, and what would work best for getting in and out. They really wanted me to be comfortable and feel like this was MY CAR, not a mass-produced “adapted vehicle”

Finally when all was said and done, all I had for adaptations were a smaller steering wheel, a customized seat, and pedal extensions. Sometimes simpler really is better.

After my car was finally adapted, the hold up was only on me. I was going through a lot of other transitions, with moving and focusing on work, and then there was health stuff, so there was never a time when I could fully focus on driving. When I was ready I would know.

Finally, there was a time when I was surrounded by negative energy way too much. I had no choice because I couldn’t just up and leave. That was the catalyst for me. I needed freedom. I sent Sarah a facebook message asking who taught her to drive with her adaptations. She sent me the info to the place and after a couple of phone calls, it was set. I took driving lessons from about October, with a great guy who really made me feel comfortable. He stayed with me and even took me out right before my test and gave me all the pointers and made me parallel park for an hour outside the DMV.

When the time came, I felt ready! I sat in the car with the examiner, and he made me show him all the basic steps of my car, like how to use the lights, wipers, etc. then we were off. The test lasted all of 23 minutes, and I really thought I would fail (because I was just prepared to not pass on the first time). After what felt like a blink, we pulled back into the parking lot he said, “well you did great, you passed!” And I just went “What!!!?!? Are you serious!?” I almost burst into tears in my car, but I didn’t. I just thanked him profusely and assured him there would be a lot of excited people because of this road test! I told my parents, then I bought myself a Sam’s Caesar wrap and drove home. It’s still surreal.

Although the whole process was frustrating, it was a learning experience in the world of advocacy like so many other things I’ve been through. I think the biggest thing I learned is that, you always have the right to speak up when things don’t feel right, or if you know it’s not the way for you to be successful. I went for a long time believing that these people knew more than me because I had nothing to compare it to, but I could asked for more information on pedal extensions from the beginning and really tried for what I knew was out there. Another thing that really applies to everything is- persistence is key. I could’ve stopped at driver’s ed and said “this is going to be too hard” or just stopped calling people when they didn’t pick up the first time, but this was what I wanted and I knew I had to stick with it.

But the bottom line is that everything happens for a reason. Truly, looking back, there’s no way I was ready to drive when I was 15. If I had gotten my license earlier, who’s to say I wouldn’t have just up and left when I was unhappy at school? Or that I would have been home on weekends to grow so close to my sister and my family? I think it’s very clear to see that it truly happened when it was meant to, and when I knew it was right. 2010 is my year and I can honestly say that I am a licensed driver, with a renewed confidence and the world at my fingertips. Watch out world!

Watch out 2010!

So here we are in 2010! How is that even possible? It feels like just yesterday it was all about “the millennium” and we were terrified of whatever the Y2K madness was supposed to be.

Then it was 2003, engraved in our brains to escape the world of small town high school. There had to be so much more out there!

Then…. 2007. Four years as an eager beaver, dying to get out cause….well…..there had to be so much more out there!

Now- three years later, it is 2010 (I will stand firm in my belief of the importance of saying “twenty ten” not “two thousand and ten.” And I write it out with all four digits like I have every year since I’ve been putting the date on my papers. I just believe it should be recognized)

It’s been quite the ride and I have begun to get a taste of all that IS out there. I have struggled for the past week or so trying to nail down my “resolutions, ” but basically they’re the same as last year (like...more than I realized....actually)

(- Read more, facebook less.
- Stay positive, don't let negative people get me down.
- Take care of ME. Pretend it's always summer. pamper accordingly.
- WRITE.
- BLOG.

- Figure out what I want for 2010 and beyond... without stressing myself out to death.)

, since I’m kind of flaky about them, so instead of fencing myself in with resolutions, I’ve read up a little bit on goal setting and decided it’s better to have some broad goals and the mentality to continue moving forward and making the most of every day. Because let’s face it. I’m still going to go on facebook, eat whatever I want and not exercise enough (although I have been better!)

So I welcome the new year with a new sense of confidence (did I mention I got my braces off!?!?!) and a thrill of excitement for not knowing what is to come, but feeling that it is definitely a year of change and anything is possible!

Cheers!

In 2010 I hope to:

• Get my driver’s license (I am waiting to hear a new date for my road test!! This is the year!)
• Get my passport! (I really want to go to Mexico- Real World Cancun corrupted me! I know it's only a matter of time until I will travel overseas...)
• Take the GRE’s and at least know the path I potentially want to take, and where I want to apply for grad school. (The process is huge and intimidating but I’ve neverlet anything stop me up to this point, why should it now?)
• Take care of myself, and always feel my best!!!
• Spend more time with my friends and make the most of it.

Watch out 2010. I’m ready for ya!

If That's Movin' Up then Iiiiii'm Movin' Out!

It’s been almost a year since I last updated. That’s inexcusable, but I have been completely busy living, and obviously so much has happened. I have thought a lot about the fact that I abandoned this blog for some time, and trying to think of what to write to get back in the swing (because that is the goal) I know I don’t want to just give a timeline and babble off everything that has happened in the past year, because, not only will that bore everyone to tears, but I probably don’t remember everything, and some of it may just not be worth reminiscing about.

Within the span of the almost year in which I haven’t written, there has been a lot of moving. I moved out of my family’s house, and then a few months later, they moved too! It was very exciting for me to be out on my own-, as I got older the house seemed to be getting smaller, and I just felt that it was time for a change and for me to get some independence back. Of course also had to recognize that it would be a huge transition for me. The last time I had been “on my own” was when I was in college, and that started off as a giant pile of fail (granted- it got better, but a lot of things were learned the hard way). I had begun looking at apartments, mostly in more urban areas, since that was where there was public transportation, and lots of things

to do, since my social life is pretty crucial to my happiness- it’s just who I am. I also recognized that if I lived completely by myself, there would be even more challenges, and I knew I would have to find somebody who could help me, specifically a nurse, since that is what is legally required for my medical care, so I knew that would be a pain, but it was something I was going to have to do eventually.

Mid- house hunt, a friend of mine told me they were going to be buying a home, and were looking for people to move in. This sounded like the perfect opportunity. I could be in a great neighborhood, close to my family, with other people who were always coming and going, so I wouldn’t be alone all the time. I weighed out the pros and cons (there was a lot of list making, as that is how I function in life) and had some frank conversations with my family, and the friend who proposed this idea. I explained to her that it would be a huge transition for me, and because of this I was not sure how long I would be staying, or how it would go. She was very understanding of this, and was excited that I would be moving in.

By February, I had packed up all my things at my parents’ house and couldn’t really stay there any more. My friends had closed on the new house and I was able to move in. There ended up being some family emergency type stuff that happened with my friend, and because nobody else had moved in yet I had the house to myself. It was a good way to get adjusted, and find my way around before there were five other people living there too.

Very, very long story short, I eventually realized this was not as an ideal situation as I had thought it would be. I started to realize that I just wasn’t comfortable in the atmosphere, and my professional and personal life was suffering. I needed an environment I could successfully work from home in, and this just wasn’t it. I definitely wasn’t alone all the time, but it got to the point where I wanted to be. I had no time for reflection. I didn’t write any more, I slept too much and was just making health choices that weren’t the best. Once again it was a big step for me to realize I needed to make a change, knowing it would be yet another transition, and also a huge step that I was putting myself first.

During this process when I discovered I needed to get out, I felt myself going through a severe quarter life crisis (and I’m not even 25…. can’t wait for that one). I was in a rut. I just wanted to quit everything and run away. I wanted to just regress and party all the time and be “carefree” and not worry about policy change on a national level. How come all the other people my age were out going to parties and staying home on the weekends with their boyfriends and girlfriends, and my response was “sorry I can’t I have to go to DC (or Vermont, or Illinois, or California)” It was beginning to feel like too much pressure. What if this wasn’t even what I wanted to do with my life? What difference could I make? I am just one little girl from Maine… surely the “system” can get along just fine without me. I missed school. I missed having people coach me into being productive. I missed writing, and having a place where I could just walk places with friends to get a cup of coffee. I felt like I couldn’t get out of my own way and I just wanted to shut my mind off.

When I made the choice to start taking care of me, I felt a little freer. I even rearranged my budget a little so I could afford on my own to go to therapy. And I’m proud of that fact. It was something I looked forward to. In an environment where my feelings sort of got pushed aside, it was amazing to have someone to talk to, to just listen and give me next steps to move forward and change my way of thinking. She even pushed me into writing more. “This is who you are,” she said to me. “You’re a writer and you need to get back into that.” And I did, and I felt another little piece of myself fall back into place. I don’t think it can every hurt to have someone just to listen. In the big city, you’re nobody until you have a therapist! And I get it now!

She encouraged me to find other ways to put myself first, and when it came time to make the move I knew it was the right thing to do. The exciting part was that living in that house caused two things to happen. The first was that, I had completely connected with one of my roommates, Sarah, and we decided that we could move together, because she was feeling the same way about the environment. The other thing was that, because of this house, my parents were inspired to put their house on the market. It sold in 21 days (which is beyond unheard of in this market) and they found a house they loved and were able to buy it and do the work they wanted to it. I’m so happy for them, and believing that everything truly does happen

for a reason, I know that I lived in that house so that they would move, and do what they all needed. I have seen them all become closer and happier, and I am grateful that they were able to take that step. That was another reason I felt good about leaving the house, it was as though I believed “my work here is done,” as they got more and more settled.

So I hope I have not bored anybody to tears yet, I’m trying to hit on key points, and I promise I’ll be better about updating this!

After looking at a few apartments, Sarah and I found an adorable townhouse apartment. It was the only one we looked at that we could really picture ourselves living in, so we knew it was right. We have been here since Columbus Day, and still have a few boxes to go through, but it already feels like home. It’s been very interesting because we have gone from living at grand central station craziness, to it just being the two of us. Sarah works during the day so I have the house to myself during the day. I have definitely gotten my “time to myself.” But I love it. I have been really taking care of myself. I’ve been eating better, reading and writing more, exercising again, and being able to focus on my work more fully.

I feel like things are really aligning for me at this point. I just got hired as a consultant for KASA (kids as self advocates http://www.fvkasa.org), which is sort of like a promotion of sorts since I was already a co-chair on the board, but now I will be working more one on one with the younger group called the Task Force. I get to help them revise documents (yayyyy editing!!!) and prepare presentations, and do some tech stuff just to assist the project director. I feel really good about it, and some other opportunities are coming up as well. I’m going to be attending the annual conference for the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health, which I’m very excited about as well, as I’m starting to believe that is my niche, to bridge the gap between physical and mental health.

Overall, it’s been a time! I’m in a good space right now and am continuing my process of self-discovery, and it’s nice. I can really see each day for what it has to offer and am savoring every opportunity instead of wishing it away. I recommend for everyone to try doing the same.

I’ll leave you with a quote I found recently, that says just that, and the promise to write more often so that we don’t have such epic updates!

(Fall shot of camp....my favorite place for photography!)

*Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake...*-Sir Francis Bacon