I do this thing every year, when I just disappear from the
blogosphere in the winter- mostly because everything just gets crazy and feels
so overwhelming. And I promise myself
“I’ll write when I’m done,” and I withhold it from myself, because it feels like
a matter of survival to get everything done.
What I’ve learned about myself though, is that that’s not
fair, because I NEED writing to survive.
Just the feeling and the sound of the keyboard, I’m pretty sure lowers
my blood pressure and makes me feel more energy, and more in control of
everything in my life. I can’t really
explain it.
Another thing I’ve learned about my blog self, is that I
tend to wait and try to write only when things are good. Well… as much as that may make for a nice
blog to read, it’s not accurate, and it’s not helping what I’m trying to do and
be, which is create authenticity within the cybernet. As I read recently, what you see on social
media, is peoples’ highlight reels, so here is everything that got left on the
cutting room floor…
The truth is. This
fall SUCKED. A lot. While I am
definitely a glass half full person, this semester put me in a place that I
have not been in for a long time, which was kind of scary.
It kicked off, the last week of September I ended up in the
hospital. For stupid reasons and the
whole thing was just entirely stupid and made me realize there is need for some
SERIOUS need for policy change at one of the best hospitals in the world. So that’s fun. This was like the second week of
classes.
Following that, I had just gone back to biostats after being
sick (yea, also, I took biostats…) and
my family suffered a huge loss. We lost the nana. Today is her birthday actually.
IT SUCKS. I have
never lost anybody that close to me, and for those who have, I am sure you get
it, and I feel silly for being so naïve, but I was literally out of commission
for 2 weeks. I hung up the phone with my
mother and just stood there, hysterical.
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think.
I ordered tacos. Nana
would’ve wanted that. Food and beverage
are always the answer. We needed
food. We needed to get on a bus to go to
Maine. I ordered a big pile of tacos
since it was National Taco Day and we threw a lot of sweatpants in a suitcase
and some black stuff. It was easily the
worst packing job I’ve ever done. Then
we went to Maine, and I didn’t know when we were coming back, and I didn’t
care, and I already didn’t really want to.
The next couple of weeks were a lot of crying, and walking
around hugging each other (prompting more crying). I stared at my biostats
homework, pretending I understood it, pretending I could actually get something
done.
I felt helpless, I felt sick, I felt exhausted. I felt like
I had nothing left. School just didn’t
matter.
Eventually we came back.
It didn’t get easier, but I kept trying to get my head in the game. I just didn’t care. It was the worse case of academic apathy I
have ever experienced.
It wasn’t that I had senioritis it was just… I didn’t see
the point anymore. I was taking 2
classes that I pretty much hated. Every time I felt like I was in control of
something, and doing well, something would happen and I felt like I was taking
3 steps back. I wasn’t being creative, I didn’t get to really write anything
all semester. And I already had a job,
or two. I just, suddenly realized, I
didn’t know why I was doing any of this.
For the first time in three years, I actually Googled how to
withdraw from school.
Eventually, the sister and I knew we had to rally, and we
talked a lot and supported each other to just get through the final
semesters. (“We’ve always been
overachievers Mal, now we just need to achieve.”)
So I did. I’ve never
quit anything in my life… I don’t even
think I can. Is there like some sort of
underachievement mentor that helps you like… drop out of stuff? I don’t know.
Then came the holidays, which were absolutely wonderful, on
both sides. It was very different and we
continue to hold each other up to find the new normal, but it was exactly what
I think we needed. We just didn’t worry
about anything, we relaxed and bought each other excessive amounts of material
goods, and CELEBRATED.
Now of course, I’m sick again, as is tradition. So I spent the first 2 weeks of the new year,
laying in bed, once again questioning everything in my life. I’m in a better
place this semester and am working on a lot of things that excite me, and I’m
writing like crazy which helps me breathe.
But all of this, everything that happened this fall, the
time spent with family. Seeing how the
Nana lived her life, has made me start asking bigger questions. Who am I?
What do I want to be doing? How should I live my life? Where will we ultimately end up? What makes me happy… what makes Owen happy?
If we’re being super transparent here… sometimes I feel
guilty about the answers. I really like
going to shows and fancy restaurants, and taking trips and having nice
things. Of course I value people over
stuff (but as a dear friend of mine once said “I really like stuff too.”) I also have realized that not doing anything
is totally addicting (except... I can't do nothing... even when I was sick, it was the most productive week I've had in a long time)
I don’t think I’ll
ever be the kind of girl who can live in the middle of nowhere, doing the same
thing week after week. I have no desire to go to Africa and build houses, or join the peace corps, or have 5 kids and buy a big house in the burbs. Does that make me a bad person? I'd like to think not.
And I think back to Nana, who bartended and volunteered and
entertained, and traveled, and parasailed when she was in her 60’s. She had a card party three days before she
left us, and then when she realized she may not be able to do those kinds of
things anymore- she decided she was done.
I guess it’s not in my blood.
So I’m not quitting.
And I’m not letting it break me.
When I finish school is when I finish.
And before then. I’m
just gonna live life, the way we do.
Til Next time.