Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Time to Give thanks.... for what?

I write a lot about how blessed I am, and I do not take anything in my life for granted. I KNOW how lucky I am. BUT. I’d also be lying if I didn’t say that like a lot of people, when the air turns cold, and the holiday lights start twinkling, I have days where I get in a weird space of saying “what am I thankful for?”

It is hard sometimes, to look at my life, and say, sheesh, I expected to be farther than this. To watch my friends stop coming home, or having time for me because they have to do two thanksgiving with their significant others’ family too, or they don’t live here anymore and it’s just too expensive to come home. Granted, I have a lot going on in my life, but when it all slows down, it’s just me and Muffy, at my parents’ house attempting to listen to all the Christmas music that reminds me of the good old ASTP days, or the times I listened to certain CD’s 24/7 so I could stop crying at school long enough to write that on last paper between me and coming home to everyone I loved.
The holidays = memories, and let’s face it. Even when you’re home… you can’t go home again.

I’m not writing this to get people to feel bad, or pick up the phone to call and squeeze me in when you’re home (but hey, if you have time…. ) I’m just putting it out there, because I feel like being honest, and I think it hits a lot of people, but we’re forced to gag down a cup of cheer and trudge through the malls even when we’re just not feeling it. You’re not alone…

On that note, I took most of the day to spend time by myself, and knowing our tried and true, unoriginal tradition of going around the table and sharing, pondering the question, “What AM I thankful for?”

Here’s what I came up with:

Being alive- I’m a bit of a miracle. I don’t think anyone thought that at 25, I’d be here, let along be doing what I’m doing (and be quite so fabulous doing it). I don’t walk around on a daily basis going, “Um, don’t mess with me, I’m a miracle you know!” But it is something that helps me feel empowered when I think about it. Clearly I was kept around to do something big… so let’s keep at it.

My family. We have a crazy unique dynamic, and don’t you dare get in the middle of a game of cards, but I cannot deny I have the best, strongest, safet
y net/fan base any girl could ever ask for. From my first dance recital (that I only made it to the rehearsal apparently?) to college graduation, and flying all over the country, they are there, and/or telling all their friends. I’d be nowhere without them.

My job and the opportunities I have had from it- Sure it’s a tough world to be thrown into, but getting to go all over the country and get a sense of national wisdom (and I continue to learn) has inspired me, and given me a sense of what else IS out there- as well as the people who push me to get it. I now feel like I can back up my argument that “Yea, I am bigger than this.”

Camp- Not just for the time spent on the stage of Lincoln Center with Julia and Kristin but for shaping who I am, and REMINDING ME who I am, even now, when I hit that place of, I just can’t do it any more, I’m just me.

The little things that get me through the day- Being able to drive, and blast music in my car that I bought myself. My Starbucks crew that makes me smile and provides the perfect latte, the bartenders in the twin cities that know just how I take my margarita, seeing the sunset over the cow fields on the way home (even though I curse them at the same time), my friends who text me just to say they thought of me. Ke$ha, Britney, Taylor, and all those others that pump me up when I’m not feeling hot. My kitty who makes sure that I don’t have to sleep alone (even though she is a rebel and always wants to snuggle when it’s time to get up)

And ultimately- although I already mentioned family, this one deserves it’s own, final bullet:

Lots of people have siblings, but even strangers have pointed out that we have something special. Everything I gripe about when I’m in that place of slump seems irrelevant when I think of going through it with Maisy, from shopping for jugs of water during a Maine wilderness power failure to eating Sushi near Lincoln Center in NYC, we’re pretty unstoppable when we’re together and anything becomes a memorable adventure. We have reached the point where we can exchange personal jokes without even uttering a word, and just making eye contact. We say the things at the same time. We’ll start singing the same song at the same time without even having heard it recently. She may be an outdoor cowgirl and I try to avoid walking in grass, but I have so much respect for everything she has achieved and how hard she works. She is the Timone to my Pumbaa, the Glinda to my Elphaba, the Beavis to my Butthead (I shall not go on). Recently, with her college application process, and watching her crank out essays and fill out applications, I have actually been inspired to start busting my own ass on this whole GRE process and really thinking seriously about the whole grad school thing. Her courage and fresh excitement for the whole “college thing” has made me realize that I need to not fear my own future. With 2011 fast approaching, who knows where things could go!
So after figuring all of this out, and coming to terms with where I’m at, and seeing once again how clearly lucky I am, I can now finish my tea, go to sleep happy and blessed, and wake up tomorrow to watch the parade in the city I will be in in approximately 2 weeks, eat too much, laugh too much, lose money at cards and finally, officially ring in the holiday season, for whatever it is, as Mal version 2010 as she will only exist for a few more weeks!
Let’s do this.


Anonymous said...

as usual you are eloquent, thoughtful, honest, sincere...and did I say amazing?
Don't forget to be thankful for the fabulous diva you are..despite the blue days...we all have them...they help us grow...don't ever forget you are admired, loved, and even envied in the life you have created for yourself thus are an inspiration and I am gratful whenever our paths cross....hugs...T

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post :)