So you want to say "Yes to the Dress!"

Unlike most brides who begin planning a wedding, dress shopping was probably what I was least looking forward to. I spent more time scouring photos of styles that might actually work for my body (3’ 9”, a central line I would have to creatively tuck into whatever neckline I chose…) than those I actually liked.  My biggest fear was that I would have my family fly in, we would devote a day to shopping and all leave defeated and disappointed. Well, i am here to tell you that is NOT what happened, and dress shopping was easily one of my favorite memories of the entire wedding planning process!  I thought I would pull together some of my Dos and Don’ts so that all my tiny brides, or differently shaped brides can have a positive experience on your big day (or maybe just make it suck a little less!)

DO your research! A few places I found on Yelp were NOT wheelchair accessible. Regardless of the fact that myself and some of my wedding party required accessibility, I struggle to give my business to places that are accessible to all. I had a list of places I wanted to go when the day came. Come to find out, we only needed one! We went to Luv Bridal in Denver, and they were fantastic from beginning to end. You can read my full review here.

DON’T bring a ton of people. No really. I invited my mom, my sister (Maid of Honor) and one of my bridesmaids who was local and it was perfect!. I did not ask people to fly in, or invite the entire bridal party. Let me let you in on one of the biggest wedding planning secrets you’ll need.  When you invite people… you also invite their opinions.  This place happened to have a limit of how many people could join you, but I just advise bringing people who know YOU and that YOU want to share the moment with. If that’s everyone, great, but you can also meet up with your crew for bottomless brunch after and let them be surprised just like everyone else!

DO advocate. Ugh. So annoying right? I’m the bride, everyone should KNOW what I need!  When you have a disability, you are no stranger to advocacy. Well guess what? You don’t get to put that away when you’re planning a wedding. I took a few minutes to call the bridal salon I had an appointment with and explain that I was not of average height, and what they were working with.  I did NOT do this to ask permission to shop there, or create any sort of pity party.  I wanted them to be aware so they could make informed choices when choosing dresses and make the most of my time AND theirs! They were so wonderful, and acted like this was business as usual for them!

DON’T pop bottles.  I know… I know…. how can I possibly be giving this advice?  I imagined my dress shopping experience to be welcomed with glasses of champagne because, duh… wedding. But it was BYOB, and we didn’t, and I am GLAD! Have you ever decided to have just “a couple glasses of wine” and ordered some weird stuff from Amazon? You want to be in your BEST state of mind. Also, for my ladies with disabilities, standing on that round circle in dresses that don’t fit, you don’t need anything else impairing your balance! Trust me, there will be PLENTY of champs in your future!

DO stick to your budget!

I was terrified to buy a dress.  I know people spend four times our wedding budget on dresses and I was afraid to even try one on!  I was transparent about our budget from the beginning and guess what? My dress was UNDER our budget! It all worked out.  And if it hadn’t? I probably would have kept looking. I know this is a big day folks, but my wedding motto was also “it’s ONE DAY!” You have to pay rent after the wedding! Stick to your guns! I also shopped around for alterations and found an amazing deal going through a local seamstress vs. what the salon wanted to charge me!  Yelp is your friend!

 

DON’T limit yourself to your comfort zone. I went in thinking I knew exactly what I wanted based on what had always worked for me, and what wouldn’t work, but guess what? I tried on a mermaid fit, and guess what? It looked amazing!! It wasn’t what I wanted for the day, but I was shocked to see that something I never thought would work for me kind of did!  

DO be HONEST.  This is your day and your body, and your emotions.  I told my consultant at the very beginning that I was feeling nervous, and dress shopping was not always a positive experience for me. I was NOT looking forward to this day. Because of this, she was always checking in and making sure I was having a good time. If there is a dress you don’t love, SAY IT! You’re the customer!  What don’t you like about it? Be specific, so your team can help find what you love!

DO try a veil. I was CONVINCED I was not going to have a veil, but you see people on these wedding shows put on a veil, and get “all jacked up” and then everyone cries? THAT IS REAL! My consultant found me a veil, and I put it on, and shoot! I was a bride. I definitely took it off for the reception, but it added that touch of glamour I just never imagined.  Even if you just try one one….trust me, your mom wants you to. 

DO let your consultant do their job. Seriously.  It’s great to have ideas and Pinterest photos, but this girl knew what she was doing.  My dress was the last dress she pulled and when I came out of the dressing room, the whole salon gasped and went “THAT ONE.” Now here’s the thing, when I found the stock photo of my dress on the model, I NEVER would have even pinned it. It was nothing like what I had on my “Let’s Get Married” wedding board, but it fit me like a dream. Not only did it fit me, but I could move in it! I could go to the bathroom by myself, and DANCE! It was MY DRESS. 

DO enjoy every moment!  After my day with my “Bride Tribe” I went back to pay off my dress, and pick up my accessories, and I went by myself.  My consultant brought me different tiaras and took photos, and that was when I felt it. My mom cried as soon as I put on the first dress I tried, but I’m a tougher crowd.  Here I was, buying a wedding dress. This was happening!  It my first “bridal” moment.” And I just let myself have it. 

Of course everyone’s day will be different, and it may not be that simple. Maybe you do want to go more than one place (frankly I was sad we only had to go to one store because it was so much fun) but just remember, at the end of the day, whether it’s mermaid, or a ballgown, or a pantsuit whatever make YOU feel beautiful on your big day will be the right choice! 

How do we do it?

I originally wrote this post on Valentine's Day, but since I've been experiencing a serious case of DBS (delayed blogging syndrome) I thought it made sense, to just post it on our 7th Meetiversary.

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Good morning everyone and Happy Valentine’s Day.  Or Galentine’s Day, or Singles Awareness Day!  However you choose to celebrate, I’m here for it! Honestly, I’ve never been a fan of the V-day.  Although in elementary school, I remember agonizing over which Hello Kitty/Barbie/Little Mermaid valentine would go to who, so nobody would get the wrong message. 

Then I was single and bitter for a good chunk of my life, but never missed an opportunity to go out for pink drinks with my gal pals. And now here we are.  I’ve become that person I never thought I would be.  Planning a wedding, caring about flowers, and centerpieces, and loving every minute of it.  I remember when Owen and I first started “dating,” (Disclaimer, I hate that word, because our “dates” consisted of Skype calls and trips to Vegas… I think we had been together for over a year before we saw a movie like normal people) telling my friends and family about him, and everyone was like “Mallory… I think you really like him. I’ve never seen you like this.”  My face would turn red and I would smile, and just feel true happiness, it was WEIRD. 

This month, our story was published in the newsletter for the Kansas Youth Empowerment Academy (KYEA) and we were asked to share how we met, and our advice for a happy relationship, or for young people with disabilities who are looking for love.  We shared the abridged version here, and if you recall, a few years back, I shared a more detailed version of the story of how we met.   But having this opportunity, got us thinking, that maybe I should just write an actual blog entry.  Many of you know, we have a Facebook “Fan page.”  I believe it was on our first Meetiversary, 1 year after we met, Owen had a status about meeting me, and over 100 people liked it.  I was surprised, honestly.  Yea, I had been single for a while, but man, people were that excited to see me with someone, finally? 

People were following our story because it gave them hope.  It showed them that just because they had a disability, they could have love, that they DESERVED love.  It showed parents of kids with disabilities that their kid would find someone who loved, respected them and gave them an experience that most “typically developing” adolescents have.  So we said “Heck! Why not?”  Our Facebook “fanbase” has followed us through a move to Boston, 110” of snow, a graduation, celebrating jobs, a move to Colorado, an engagement, and now THE BIG DAY! And I’ll be honest, I didn’t know that we would hit some of those milestones, but really, not because of each other, it’s just been a real adventure. 

When we were moving to Boston, it was the biggest, scariest thing, either of us had ever done, and I remember people saying to me, “AND you’re MOVING IN together!” like that was really the scariest, hardest part of what we were doing.  Never mind the fact I was going to be going to grad school while working, or we were learning to navigate a city, and access healthcare. WE WERE GOING TO BE SHARING A BATHROOM.  Granted our first studio was 500 sq. feet, and it was quite a transition, but it was mind blowing to me how people perceived relationships, and that moving in together was so scary.  We are so grateful we lived together.  There were days (most) that it was the other person that kept us going.  I wouldn’t have finished grad school if it weren’t for Owen telling me I was needed there, and I was doing this for a reason.  He gave me pep talks, reminded me to eat, and laughed with me every step of the day.

It wasn’t easy, but we learned, we grew, and we conquered- one chapter after the next.

So how?  Why are we as successful and strong as we are?   When we were brainstorming for KYEA it was tough to articulate what we have created over the last 7 years, but I’m going to attempt to share our Top 5 tips for a happy, healthy, relationship, and what made us know we wanted to go the distance.   Ready?

1.     No B.S.  Seriously.  Before O and I made it official, I had hung out with guys before, but it never went beyond being a “thing.”  They didn’t want anything serious, and nobody wanted to commit, bla bla bla.  I straight up told Owen, “If we’re long distance, I’m not leaving this as a “thing.” I don’t have time for petty bullshit and I don’t play games.” He had me at “Me either.”  And there was none.  We didn’t (and still don’t) post passive aggressive digs on Facebook, we trust each other. I know that’s easy to say, but really. TRUST. 100%

2.     Communication. This goes hand in hand with #1, and together, they make a healthy relationship.  Ta DA!  But really.  Even when I was younger, I remember all of my friends would come to me with their relationship drama, and I hear things now, and my response is always “Well, did you tell them/talk to them, etc.”  And my mind is blown at how often the answer is, “No…” or “They should know!” I don’t know about most people, but I know that I am not a mind reader.  Owen and I talk about EVERYTHING, and we did before we moved in together.  I think part of the reason we may be so good at this is because we were long distance for a year and all we could do was talk!  We asked each other get to know you questions long into the night and covered so much before we even were together in person. Owen is well aware I’m definitely an over communicator, and not only do we talk about the “big stuff,” when we have to, but we just check in pretty frequently.  How’s it going? Are we happy? Are we on the same page? When the answer is no, what do we do about it?  I don’t know, we’ve just always been able to open up with each other in a way we never good before, and that was one of the reasons we knew we wanted to do this for real. 

3.      Support each other.  No matter what.  When we moved to Boston, Owen left everything he knew so that I could go to grad school.  I know it was hard for him, probably in ways I’ll never truly understand, but he never ONCE made me feel bad that we had moved there or that I was in school. When I doubted myself, and I wanted to quit, he would make me dinner or run me a bath and say “The world needs you, you can do this.”  We still have conversations about what we wanted to do with our lives, and how the other one would be there no matter what. I have no doubt in my mind that we never would have made it through the “Boston era” if we did not have each other.  Period. 

4.     TAKE A RISK. I will never forget when Owen flew to Vegas for my birthday because he was in love with me and he didn’t know if he would ever see me again.  Like that is some rom com stuff, you know?  At the time I didn’t really even know what to do about it, because nobody had ever made me a priority like that or been so honest.  But it CAN happen and I continue to tell people “If someone loves you, they will find a way.”  Don’t waste your time on people who can’t make you a priority, because there is someone out there who will! It was scary for me to say “Yes, let’s do this,” that night in Vegas.  Truth be told, I had never had a serious relationship before Owen.  Sure, there were guys I talked to, and it was fine, but I always knew going into it, it would never be more than a “thing,” and it wasn’t what I wanted for the rest of my life.  This was different.  Owen was everything I didn’t know I wanted. 
I’m not going to lie, we both talked a lot about the disability piece as well.  I had always said I didn’t want to be with someone who had a disability, because I had enough of my own "stuff" to deal with.  What ended up happening was we found someone whose “stuff” aligned with our own, and understood each other on a level, that nobody else would.  Don’t be afraid to take a chance, and take a step outside of your comfort zone. You deserve someone who gets you and loves you on ALL levels.

5.     At the end of the day, all you can do is laugh. 
When I first met Owen, before we even began dating officially, I remember he made me laugh.  Like really, genuinely, laugh, not like “I’m laughing because you want me to think you’re funny.”  I actually remember thinking “Huh… usually I’m the funny one… this is kind of nice.” When we would meet up in Vegas, we would walk the strip and talk and laugh.  I always tell people; Owen makes me laugh in the kind of way where you remember something he said, days later and start laughing again.  It’s true.  We have FUN, and everything is an adventure.  Seven years later, we still will get the giggles as we’re falling asleep.  I didn’t know if I would ever find someone who not only appreciated my unique (kind of dark) sense of humor, but we compliment each other perfectly and it is the laughter and looking on the bright side that has gotten us to where we are.  The world can happen around you, but if you get home, and can smile about the life you created, with the person who is by your side, it’s going to be ok.

Writing these five things makes a relationship look pretty simple.  We all know that is far from the truth, but with these five things at the foundation of a relationship, the rest will come together.  It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of vulnerability, but it’s worth it. 

My life has become something I never thought it would be. So what’s the point of all this?  Be patient, be yourself, and don’t settle.  For all those young people (or not so young people) who are thinking they’ll be alone forever with their cat (and hey, that’s ok too), live the best life you can,  and someone will notice, and want to live their best life with you.